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I am a BAD American.

I like big cars, big guns, and big ****. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squeezing out babies.

I don't think playing with guns makes you a killer. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's *** gets, I'll still want to see it.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap.

I know what the definition of "is" is. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more insight than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. I think the WNBA is cool, as is the US Womens' Soccer Team - because they kick ***. My heroes are John Wayne, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Norman Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman".

I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes Iraqis deader and movies more interesting.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I think global warming is Chicken Little junk science.

I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-hell-up already.

Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a 6 year old with a Play Station.

I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Jesse Jackson preaches.

I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry *** if you're running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ***.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latina girl selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.

I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway.

I think turkey bacon sucks.

I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with a firm voice and a firmer hand. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement and not a fad. I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning, and don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake.

I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.

I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "Ole Yeller". I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.

I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

YES, I am a BAD American.

  • 1 year ago

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